Hi, I'm John. I do magic tricks for drunk people at weddings, corporate events and parties. I get YOUR guests laughing and having an amazing time - while YOU get all the glory!
If you're planning a party and scared to death about your guests being bored and thinking you're a bad host, call me.
That’s pretty much it, really. There’s not much more I can tell you, and anyway, let’s face it, I could write anything on here. It’s MY website after all.
I could make all manner of outrageous claims – I could say that I can fly, or boast about once giving Mollie Sugden a back massage behind Freeman, Hardy and Willis, or I could even make the outlandish claim that I’m a talented magician.
How are you meant to know that any of that is true? (Oh, and FYI – only one of the above IS actually true!).
I could use the rest of this space to tell you about my love for Poirot and Tunnock’s Teacakes, but I’ll be honest, there are probably more compelling things to look at on the internet.
Doesn’t make for a very interesting “About” page, does it? Hmmmm.
I know – since I’m paying for the bandwidth anyway, let’s have a bit of fun…
Which John Holt is which?
I’ve been on the internet. Turns out, that I’m not the only person throughout history to be named “John Holt”.
There’s been at least 3 more. (I know. I was devastated too)
So, in an effort to lift this about page from the “dull and boring” category, into the “not the absolute worst about page I’ve ever seen” one, let’s see if your instincts for choosing John Holt’s is any good, shall we?
Below, you’ll find photos of four different John Holt’s. Try not to get distracted by how handsome “B” is for just a second and have a good look at them.
No, stop staring at “B”.
In a moment, I’m going to give you a brief description of each.
Your task, should you accept it (and, I have to be honest, I wouldn’t), is to match the description to the correct John Holt, and, if that wasn’t enough of a challenge, then find the one best suited to entertaining your nearest and dearest.
Sounds exciting doesn’t it?
No, of course it doesn’t, but you’ve read this far, so you might as well keep going!
Which John Holt is which?
What a handsome collection of men they all are too. (Why are all men called John irresistibly attractive?)
Anyway, back to the competition. You’ve seen what they look like. Now all you have to do is read the bio’s below and match each to the correct photo.
Sounds easy – and pointless – doesn’t it? You’re absolutely right.
John Holt No. 1
Born in Jamaica in 1947, this John Holt rose to prominence in the ska, rocksteady and reggae genres of music, recording his first single, “Forever I’ll Stay“/”I Cried a Tear“, when he was just 19. He also penned the classic hit, “The tide is high“, which would later be ruined for everybody by Atomic Kitten butchering it.
Should you book John Holt No. 1?
PROS – Reggae icon, distinctive voice, creative genius.
CONS – Died in 2014. Probably not got a Facebook page.
John Holt No. 2
…is a Scottish football coach and retired footballer. He played at either full-back or in midfield (I can’t be arsed Googling which). I remember being far too excited when I got his sticker in my 1987 Panini football album. I told my best friend at the time, John Hughes, that we were related. He believed me. Probably because what kind of loser would make something like that up?
Should you book John Holt No. 2?
PROS – Has the celebrity factor (assuming all your guests are avid followers of 1980s Scottish football).
CONS – He’s a footballer, so he’ll probably take up your entire driveway with his Lambo.
John Holt No. 3
…is a well-known pillock of his community, John’s magic has been wowing guests at weddings, corporate events and private parties for over 28 minutes. A regular face at McDonald’s, Krispy Kreme and several rehabilitation units, John’s personality and sleight of hand is rivalled only by his sleight of hand and personality.
Should you book John Holt No. 3?
PROS – Lots of people have said nice things about him.
He’s a member of Equity, so he’s clearly a professional.
Easy to get in touch with.
Best of all, he’s definitely – probably – available for your event!
CONS – He couldn’t create a decent “About” page if his life depended on it.
John Holt No. 4
… is an American author and educator, a proponent of homeschooling and, later, the unschooling approach, and a pioneer in youth rights theory. Holt created America’s first home education newsletter, “Growing Without Schooling” (or “GWS” if you want to save yourself three seconds of talking time) before his death in 1985.
Should you book John Holt No. 4?
PROS – He’s bound to be good with kids.
CONS – The deceased are a fucking nightmare to work with.