10 Things I’ve Learned While Being a Professional Magician

I think that no matter what vocation you pick, there are things to be learnt that you could never learn from any other job. When I was a social worker, for example, I learned that the best time to speak to people with memory problems is the morning, as their memory gets worse throughout the day. As a croupier, I learned that, by law, all roulette tables have to spin a zero at midnight, to reset the table for the next days gaming.

With this in mind, I thought it would be funny to list some lessons that I’ve only learned from my time as a professional magician:

1. How to spell “professional”.

2. Most people can’t pronounce “Dynamo”.

3. Most people are very unhappy in their relationships. Why else, upon learning I’m a magician, would they ask me to vanish their partner?

4. No matter what tricks I buy, the best investment I ever made in magic was to buy one of these. Getting changed in a toilet cubicle is never an elegant process.

5. The words “don’t worry, I’m a magician; it’s for my act” will cover your embarrassment for a vast amount of bizarre, weird and possible illegal purchases.

6. When someone says “Do a card trick for Joe, he loves card tricks”, what they really mean is “get away from me with your cards, I can’t stand this kind of petty nonsense”.

7. Magicians are the least memorable people you are likely to meet:

‘You’re a magician? Great. We booked a magician for our wedding; he was fabulous!’

‘I might know him, what’s his name?’

‘I have no idea…Darren or Dave “something”…I can’t remember. He was REALLY good though.’

8. Oh my god, it really ISN’T about the tricks.

9. No one, and I do mean NO ONE ON EARTH, believes that this is my day job.

10. The Jeremy Kyle show starts at 9:25.

Oh, and of course all roulette tables don’t spin a zero at midnight.

That would be preposterous.

It’s really 23…